Mottsu started seeing a psychologist, who recommended keeping a journal to help break the troubling cyclical thought patterns. Over a ten day stretch Mottsu wrote about his ‘problem’ and the actions he took to deal with it. “Today I made an important first step to dealing with my ‘problem’, one I still can’t fully understand but I know is real and that I must deal with. It has been a strange few days leading up to this, alternating between disbelief that this was real to a hope against hope that it might be the beginning of ridding myself of the debilitating ‘life’ in my head and being able to feel normal.” Journal day 1
- He started talking, “…when I am not drowning in the poison thoughts I know I am a capable, intelligent even caring person. I’ve got a lot of making up to do but for the first time I can see a way out to do it and this last half hour of writing has been unbelievably helpful in bringing out at least a partial answer and some clarity for something that has seemed terrifyingly unfathomable for weeks, if not months and years. Christ, I almost feel good.” Journal day 1
- He planned to recover, “I have been thinking today about the possibilities for the future and I have envisioned some rosy pictures – but always I tend to switch back to the practical difficulties. I think the best approach is break things down in stages: get my broodiness and inability to express my feelings improved and then move onto other things like getting more enjoyment out of leisure –some spontaneity and new interests and hopefully it will all work towards making me more content and positive.” Journal day 2
- He insisted by working he maintaining a sense of normalcy and it help to take his mind off himself, “I am making a point of keeping usual and planned appointments and not withdrawing to keep as much to my pattern of life so that when I have sorted out my internal problems, it will be a matter of making necessary adjustments rather than having to recover from a catastrophe. Life must go on; I have made a mess of my life so far in many ways and now I have to make it happen to put it right.” Journal day 3
- He decided to read fiction as a change from current affairs; he was a journalist so bad news was an occupational hazard, “A few simple things I can start with: stop cramming my head with relentless factual and analytical reading and try something that deals with human relationships and feelings.” Journal day 3
- He tried to relax, “The other thing is just trying to keep a relaxed attitude – that not every little problem or awkward situation has to become stressful. To accept, yes I am in a pretty serious pickle here but it can come right with the will and some hard work” Journal day 3
- He chose not to take medication, he wanted to address the cause of his troubled mind and not mask the symptoms,“I have been reading about depression…others say that taking anti-depressants to counter this is only masking the problem and the underlying reasons have to be discovered and dealt with.” Journal day 5.
- He didn’t sleep well and took natural sleep remedies, “Not such a good day. Lot of trouble sleeping – still can’t come to terms with why I am so stressed and why I can’t just throw it off.” Journal day 5
- He had resolved to be more spontaneous and went to the gym regularly, “It’s the motivation, interests outside home that need work. I am keeping ideas flowing about how to improve that but nothing has taken hold yet. Guess just have to chip away at social spontaneity/physical input of endorphins and the more settled perspective/attitude to keep stabilising me…” Journal day 10
- He experienced breakthroughs, “Day two of the rest of my life. Yesterday was a real breakthrough – discovering that things were not as warped as I had let myself think and also that simply saying what I am thinking has the power to put it into perspective and to make me feel better – perhaps it is the overcoming of fear, showing yourself you are capable of facing up to the thoughts you are ashamed of that is the thing that gives it such power.” Journal day 8