Recently I heard someone say that suicide is “…a selfish act” they said it was “…the most narcissistic act a person could do”, they thought it “cowardly”. The sentiment and the words upset me.
I have written a lot about crippling effects of a deep depression, the crushing lows and isolation. I have read a lot and there isn’t any source where there is a hint of selfishness. In his journal Mottsu wrote of struggling with something “ terrifyingly unfathomable” a “debilitating life in my head” that prevented him from feeling “normal”. They’re not the words of a cowardly man but a strong man balancing on the the cliff edge of life and facing death.
Scientific American described suicide as “an attempt to escape from oneself”. The suicidal mind is described as “unbearable”, burdened with a “crushing intolerable weight”. The same article says “Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, inadequacy, or feeling exposed, humiliated and rejected leads suicidal people to dislike themselves in a manner that, essentially, cleaves them off from an idealized humanity. The self is seen as being enduringly undesirable; there is no hope for change and the core self is perceived as being rotten.” That’s not the mind of a narcissist. Is it?
In anger at losing someone to suicide you might feel abandoned, you might wonder how they could leave so abruptly, you might think lots of things about the person who has died, and I hope you remember them well, and not think less of them for their decision and actions. Compassion and understanding make the world an easier place to live in, not anger, blame and stigma. Don’t let the way someone dies change how you remember them living. Please don’t think badly of someone who dies by suicide.
This conversation and a debate we should have more often, so that the negative emotional urgency that motivates (many instances of) suicide is not confused with a selfish desire for death.
“There is but one true serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy.”
Albert Camus, “An Absurd Reasoning” quoted in Oates, J. C. (2011). A Widows story:A Memoir. New York NY:Harper Collins
Crisis counselling is available around the world. In Australia Life Line 13 11 14.